It Had Been
by seeyouontheice
Summary: Janny attempt to work out how to deal with an event
1. Chapter 1

It had been Sacha and Mo who had taken her home. It had been Sacha and Mo who had asked if she wanted them to stay. It had been Sacha and Mo who had taken away the now unneeded items. It had been Sacha and Mo who had promised to check up on her in the morning. It had been Sacha and Mo who had promised to be there if she needed them.

Jonny was gone.

He had been there with her, holding her hand and telling her she was doing great. He had promised her that they would work things out … for their baby. He'd promised her they'd be a family – a proper family like the one she'd never had. He had been the first to question the silence when there had been silence and he had been the first out of the door when the reason had become known.

That was three days ago and no one, not even Mo, had heard from him since.

She had sat there in that room at a complete loss as to what to do now … one moment she'd had everything and the next she had nothing – less than nothing. The worst part of it was how she just couldn't grieve. They all said to her that it was okay, that she was allowed to cry and to grieve, but she had told them she couldn't, not because she didn't want to but because she needed Jonny there with her.

No one had seen fit to tell her how highly unlikely it was that they would see him again. No one had the heart to break that truth to her just yet. Elliot had sat by her for that first day and it had been Hanssen who observed to Serena that it was rather like watching a father and daughter. It had been Mo's turn the following day and then Michael had sat with her during the morning while they waited for her to be discharged. Sacha – good kind Sacha – had not left her side for anything longer than a toilet break ever since he saw Jonny leave the room.

Sitting alone in her darkening front room, she wondered where Jonny was now. She wondered what he was doing. She wondered if he had planned this all along – that, should the worst happen, he would leave and move on like nothing had ever happened. She wondered if she had ever meant anything to him or if it had all just been a game. She wondered what she'd do if she saw him and if she could forgive him or not.

It would depend on his reasons, she realised. Yet she knew than most of her colleagues – her friends – would tell her that it would just be an excuse, that because he left her when she needed him most she couldn't trust him. They would tell her to move on – that she was worth more than him. But Jac knew that wasn't the case; _she_ had never deserved him. Maybe that was why things had turned out the way they had in the end. All she knew was that, once again, she had nothing.

* * *

The room seemed to be suffocating him, closing in around him as the words kept spinning round and round his head, taunting him with something that would never be. Beside him Jac gave a whimpering breath as the news hit her but he didn't hear it – if he'd of heard it he would've swept her up into his arms and refused to ever let her go. It wasn't happening. He … he couldn't breathe – the room was too hot … too stuffy … he – he … he needed air.

Air.

Fresh air … maybe the fresh air would help to clear his head and to stop those taunting words from continuously sneering at him in his mind, refusing, even for a minute, to let him forget. How the hell was he to think when all he _could_ think was that it was over before it had even begun? It wasn't fair! Not to her, Jac – Jac … she'd gone through so much. Too much some might say, and she definitely didn't deserve this.

It took him several moments to realise that someone was speaking to him, asking him what he wanted to drink and telling him that he didn't have all day.

Jonny muttered his order pulling out his wallet and paying with his card. He always took cash when he went out and left his card at home otherwise he was likely to spend too much and wake up on a bus to Jerusalem. Taking his drink he downed it in one and ordered another … and another … and another. His hope was that he could drown out the taunting reality of what had happened long enough for him to _think._

But using alcohol to drown out grief was never a good thing and he ended up collapsed in a heap on a park bench staring blankly up at the stars with those words … those fucking words … refusing to let him have a moment. It was like they were accusing him of something – but he was way too drunk to work out what. He knew he'd forgotten something … or someone. Important … very important – to him at least … but he hadn't a clue who. All he knew was that he needed air to clear his head – fresh air to help remove the fog and to silence the words that were echoing in his mind unrelenting in their quest to drive him insane.

When comprehension dawned upon him, he sat upright with a splitting headache and the words now muted at the back of his mind – not forgotten because he could never forget, but muted so he could _think_ and act and work out what the hell he was going to do now. Grabbing a paper out of the nearby bin he felt his gut clench when he realised he'd lost three whole days to his booze up. He couldn't go to the hospital in this state … they wouldn't let him see Jac – and he needed to see her to explain to her; well, attempt to explain to her that he'd only ever planned to go out for air. He had only gone to clear his head of the words the midwife had said.

_"Stillborn."_


	2. Chapter 2

He made his own way over to hers and took the stairs rather than the lift because he needed time to figure out what he was going to say. He wasn't stupid; he knew that he had blown his chances with Jac for good. Why would she trust him again after he left her there to cope alone with what had just happened so unexpectedly. She had needed him and he wasn't there. What possible reason would there be for Jac to forgive him so readily.

Why the hell had he done it? Why had he found his way to that pub and drunk until he'd passed out into oblivion? He'd _known_ Jac needed him – he'd only gone out to clear his head … how did getting drunk help to clear a head from those words? He shook his head venomously as the words decided to cloud his judgement once again. He hadn't been thinking, he realised; when he gone for the fresh air his mind was bent only on drowning out the words in his mind that had told him his – their – child was _stillborn_.

It wasn't a word he liked and even now the need to get that midwife's voice out of his mind was enough to tempt him back to the pub. However he pressed on; he had to see Jac … he had to at least try to explain and tell her how sorry he was before she threw him out of her life for good. He wouldn't blame her for it – he wasn't what she needed. She might think she needed him but what she needed was a man who wouldn't abandon her at the drop of a hat because of something that was beyond their control.

To think that they could go on together now that this had happened was nothing more than a dream – a hope, he realised. They'd hurt each other too much … the child – their baby – had been all that was keeping them together and keeping them civil and friendly. It had been what gave them the courage to believe things might actually work and that they might be able to make something out of it all … they might be able to have a family. But now that was gone and there was no hope left for them at all.

* * *

She jolted awake to the sound of someone pounding on her front door. She must've dozed off because it was now dark and the light from the street lamps was bathing her front room in a yellow glow. It was too soon for Sacha or Mo to come back to check on her. The knocking on her door resumed and she thought she heard someone calling through it to her. Pulling the curtains shut, she made her way slowly into the tiny hall wondering who it was and what they wanted. She just wanted to be left alone.

Opening her door she blinked and hardly reacted when Jonny literally fell through the doorway and landed in a heap at her feet. Closing her eyes and realising she couldn't face this right now, she simply left him there and returned to her front room. After a few moments she heard him stagger to his feet and close the door before he appeared in the doorway. She could smell the booze coming off him from across the room and suppressed the urge to gag.

She wanted to know why he'd gone and why he was suddenly here but she didn't have it in her to argue with him, because she knew that any conversation they had would lead to one right now. She needed him and yet she couldn't stand the sight of him. Jonny being there with her just reminded her all the more of what she'd lost and what she couldn't have. It hurt – the pain in her chest – hurt more than she thought it ever could.

Jonny shifted in the doorway and cleared his throat but he didn't speak. She wondered what he wanted and what he expected her to do. He'd probably gone up to Darwin expecting her to already be back at work as if nothing had happened. But he'd left the room just as the reality had hit her and so had not seen how much this was affecting her. She didn't even know why he was here – undoubtedly they would've told him that she wasn't at work, that she had in fact only been discharged that afternoon, which was how he had found her here.

If Jonny was waiting for her to speak first then he was going to have to wait a long time. She felt exhausted and while part of her was relieved that he was well and safe and unhurt, the other part wanted to scream and shout at him and to demand answers she knew she wouldn't like. All in all she figured it could wait – the arguing – until she wasn't so … raw from it all. What annoyed her most about his sudden appearance in her flat was that she wanted, more than anything, to go over to him and sob uncontrollably into his chest while he held her tightly and promised that he wasn't ever going to leave her again.

Any other day, under any other circumstances, she would've shut the door in his face upon learning that it was him outside her door. She would've hardened herself and refused to hear him out and refused to forgive him for leaving her like that. But things had changed now; she knew that she _needed_ him.


	3. Chapter 3

The silence was starting to get to her, to the point where she had to switch on the tv just so there was some kind of noise in the background. She didn't know what to do or what to say to Jonny as he stood awkwardly in the doorway of her front room. She didn't pay attention to the screen; however she did bite her lip rather hard and blink furiously when one of the many baby commercials came on advertising some kind of new milk formula.

It was the fact that she was just so quiet and so unlike herself that was getting to him; she hadn't uttered a word nor reacted in any way to his presence. The most he saw out of her was when the avert on the tv she switched on came up about something to do with babies. He had to admit, he found that hard too. It was as if they were both not yet ready to embark upon the arguments and the shouting that was due to happen.

Eventually she cracked, "I can't do this."

"Should I just go then?" he asked her. "And not bother to even try to explain or say I'm sorry."

"Would it make a difference if you did?" Jac whispered, her eyes fixed upon the screen of the tv but not seeing whatever was on it. He could tell she was struggling not to break, and he knew that the sooner he went the sooner she could cry.

"Probably not," he admitted although it killed him to do so.

"Well then," Jonny waited to see if she was going to say more and when she didn't he shook his head and turned on his heel to leave.

But something held him back; he had to speak his mind – even if it did end up with them at each other's throats and tears streaming down her cheeks. "It wasn't meant to be like this … you and me – we weren't supposed to end up like this."

"We weren't supposed to happen!" she shot back and he knew she didn't mean it because her words lacked their usual edge.

"Then why did we? You know it aint all about you Jac!"

"I never said it was." But what got him most was how she lacked in her arguments – how she seemed to lack the energy even to argue with him. "If you're going to go, then just go Jonny … don't stand there stalling the inevitable."

"Do you want me to leave Jac? Is that it?" He asked her harshly and he watched as her eyes closed and let out a pitiful sound, somewhere between a laugh and a whimper.

"I can't stop you from going can I? I mean I couldn't stop you from leaving when the midwife told us that our baby was –"

"Don't say the word!" Jonny hissed at her. She turned to face him, seeing pain across his face as he sank to the floor, wrapping his arms round his knees as she so often did. She didn't know what to do – he was going to leave again; that much he seemed to have decided on … but he seemed to also want to prolong it and make it harder for her to accept it. She would much rather he left without his explanation than come back, give one, and then bugger off again.

"Not saying the word doesn't mean it hasn't happened."

"Have _you _said it then?" he challenged, "_Can_ you say it Jac? Can you use that word to describe what happened?"

"What other way is there to describe it?"

He didn't respond but she didn't really expect him to. He sat there as if it were all about him, as if he was the only one affected in all this – no thought about what she felt entered his mind and nor had it. It was why he had left and why he was leaving. Because he had never, not truly, cared about her like she had for him.

How long they sat in silence neither of them knew but it was getting darker outside and the glow from the street lamp wasn't quite sufficient to light her front room anymore. But the light switch was up on the wall above Jonny's head and there was no way she was going over to him. It was taking every ounce of her self-control to keep her emotions in check. Begging him to stay wasn't something wanted to do, nor did she believe that it would work. Something told her that he'd completely forgotten the words she had told him, almost a year ago now.

"I … that word – it … it just goes round and round me head," Jonny began in a hollow voice, "and I just – I couldn't think past getting rid of them."

"So you fucked off and got drunk?" this time she couldn't not keep the hurt out of her voice as it wavered and cracked, "Leaving me in there alone with no one quite telling me what was happening!"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry? Is that all you can come up with! Sorry doesn't quite cut it Jonny!"

He met her gaze and Jac had to turn her head before he made her cry. She had to at least not cry – not yet. Almost because it was a habit now, she wrapped her arms round her stomach feeling her now empty womb and it's enough to break her into a million pieces if it wasn't for the fact that she was still so numb.

"What d'you want me to say?" Jonny asked her but she could only shrug her shoulders and shake her head because she honestly didn't know. There was nothing he could say; the damage had been done and they both knew that. There was no way for them to come back from this now, all that remained was … well the saying goodbye bit. Despite all that, Jac couldn't shake off the knowledge that she needed him – that she would always need him. Jonny just no longer wanted her … and why should she? It was her fault – her womb. It had been because of her that this had happened; because of her inadequate body being unable to provide for their child – their _stillborn_ baby. It was always her fault.


	4. Chapter 4

He was climbing to his feet, preparing to disappear from her life and she was panicking because she didn't want him to go. Thing was, she didn't know how to tell him … and she didn't think she could handle his rejection when he told her he didn't want to stay, not now that they had nothing to stay together for.

It was as if he were taking what she had left with him – without Jonny she knew she'd not cope with what had happened … she knew that everything would fall apart around her. It was nothing more than a desperate bid to prolong the inevitable that made her get to her feet and hurry to the hall before he reached the door. Calling to Jonny she asked him how they had come to this and he had no answer.

"You said it yourself, we weren't supposed to happen. Maybe that's why." There seemed to be no emotion in his voice, as if he didn't care, and he had his back to her. At least that made it easier for her to wipe away her tears without him knowing they were there – she didn't want him leaving with the knowledge that he'd broken her. Then he turned to her angrily and once again demanded she tell him what to say.

"You shouldn't have to ask me!" she choked, leaning against the wall for support.

He watched as Jac struggled, and for the life of him he couldn't see why this was so hard all of a sudden for her. A few moments ago he couldn't get anything out of her; she was just staring with unseeing eyes at the tv. But now he could see the tears in her eyes despite them not yet falling and he could see the way she was physically struggling as well as emotionally. Emotion wasn't something Jac did … he shook himself. He _knew_ she wasn't okay and yet he had no idea what to do with her displaying such open signs of not being okay.

She had always seemed so strong, and even when arriving she hadn't seemed overly bothered by what happened … aside from being so quiet and uninterested. He wondered if the fact that he hadn't been there had anything to do with it and if things would've been different had he not gone out for air to clear his head. Perhaps … but not likely.

But the way she was standing there – he had got the sense earlier that she had no strength in her to fight, to argue back and he knew that for once he had the upper hand in the way their conversation turned out. Whatever he chose, she hadn't the fight in her to sway him form that course because she was so emotionally drained. Saying that Jac was emotionally drained wasn't something often said but he knew it applied in this instance.

"How long have you been fighting those tears?" he asked suspiciously, "Or do you not want to cry for our baby?"

"I … I – I …" she struggled and he watched her fists clench as she fought for the control over her emotions although he detected that they were getting the better of her. "I didn't have time to … to cry …"

"What the hell d'you mean but that!" he demanded. "It's been three days Jac!"

"Yeah, and I bet you only realised that when you sobered up!" she shouted back, "Don't tell me how long it's been Jonny! I know exactly how long it's been!" Jac seemed now unable to control her emotions and it came as no surprise to him that she was angry with him. "You wanna know how long it's been?" she asked him, "seventy five hours Jonny. Seventy five fucking hours … and you weren't there with me so how could I – how was I supposed to – to …" she closed her eyes and he watched as the first tear slipped from under her eyelid.

That first tear quickly gave way to others and before either of them knew it, she was sobbing uncontrollably. He knew that she wanted him gone – out of her life – because he was reminding her of what she couldn't have … just like she was reminding him. In front of him the mother of his _stillborn_ child sobbed and all he could think was how she didn't want him there. He knew that if he made to comfort her that she'd push him away so he didn't move.

It struck him at how oddly beautiful she was when she cried – not in the conventional sense but in the sense that it showed how vulnerable and alone and scared and hurt she really was and highlighted how she needed someone to look after her and protect her and comfort her and be there for her. At one point, he would've said that man was himself … but now – after how he'd just walked out on her like that – he wasn't too sure. One thing did register and he found he was agreeing with something he'd once heard Michael say; that to hear Jac Naylor cry was to hear the sound of your heart breaking because she always seemed so strong.

Unable to have Jonny watch her crying any longer, she shut herself in her bathroom – purely because the door could be locked – and sat with her back against the door still sobbing. She hated the fact that she hadn't even begun to tell him half of what she needed him to know. If he had gone then she didn't hear him shutting her door, although she did suspect that he'd slam when he did leave. Why was he still here? Hadn't he made his choice – to leave? What did he want that was stopping him from just leaving?

When she eventually managed to quieten her sobs – her tears were still falling – she heard music playing and realised that Jonny had put her stereo on for some reason. It was at a volume that could easily be talked over … even if there was a door in the way. She struggled with the knowledge that Jonny was set on staying – for now – and decided that staying in the bathroom was the best option until she heard the door close shut on him forever. She didn't think she could face him right now … or again.


	5. Chapter 5

So she had shut herself in the bathroom had she? Typical Jac – hiding from everything. But he couldn't leave her like this … he knew it wasn't helping the situation; him still being here, but he didn't feel he could leave just yet, not until he was certain she was going to be okay – ish. Sighing he flicked on her stereo for the hell of it and turned the volume right down low so that it faded into the background. Pulling off his jacket he settled down with his back against the bathroom door wishing he was the other side so he could at least have a shower.

How _had_ it come to this? How had they reached the point where their future together depended entirely upon their child's existence? He shook his head and sighed heavily wondering if the lack of sound on the other side of the door was a good sign or not. Knowing that his presence was physically hurting her just made it all the harder … he wished he'd not gone – that he'd denied the need to clear his head.

"You planning on coming outta there anytime soon?" Jonny asked after a while.

"No."

"How'd I guess that?" he muttered. "Y'know you're a right moody bitch don't ya?"

"Your fault," Jac sniffed, her voice muffled through the door.

He shook his head, "Always is isn't it Jac? It's always me fault."

"I wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for you! I wouldn't be all … all – hormonal and shit and … wouldn't – I wouldn't be in this mess!"

For some reason, this annoyed him and uncharacteristically he spoke rather spitefully when he replied to her. "Oh, because I didn't have any condoms in me bedside draw?" he snorted. "Yeah well if you were that worried about it Jac, you shoulda maybe thought of that before you turned up outside me fucking door." That was met with a stony silence on the other side of the door, but he didn't really expect one from her.

He could see a glimpse of the window in Jac's front room and deduced that night had well and truly fallen outside. He ought to go – he was overdue a lengthy shower and in desperate need to sleep off his pounding hangover – and yet … he remained on the floor with his back to the bathroom door where he knew Jac was hiding away from him so he couldn't see her cry. It was a blessing really because he hadn't a clue what he'd do if he'd been forced to watch her cry like that. Probably run, he mused. Run and never ever look back …

It didn't occur to him that Jac was blaming him because she was trying not to blame herself. It didn't occur to him that, like him, she didn't want to accept that what had happened had been beyond their control and that it had been no one's fault at all. It didn't occur to him that just _talking _to her might make things easier … just like it didn't occur to Jac to _talk_ to him.

* * *

That Jonny would blame it all on her wasn't at all a surprise and yet actually hearing him say the words brought fresh tears to her eyes and she had to bite her lip to stop herself from sobbing some more. She felt empty and alone and abandoned. Thing was, for the past nine months there had been someone with her through it all; someone – small and at times nothing more than a bunch of cells – who hadn't and couldn't abandon her. She had felt wrong leaving the hospital empty handed … like she was abandoning her child just as her mother had abandoned her. She knew that she wasn't, that her child was indeed … well, she'd held her _stillborn_ baby for those few brief seconds they'd allowed her to and she _knew_ there was no hope and that it was too late.

Part of her knew that she had to tell Jonny, and she tried – several times – but the words refused to come because she knew he wouldn't listen to her. A churning in her stomach made her grateful she was in the bathroom as she lurched forwards and vomited into it messily. They had warned her it could happen – because of the meds they'd fed her or something and her body readjusting or something. She hadn't really listened.

She flushed the toiled and leant against the bath feeling rather hot and flushed and ready to collapse into a heap and sob her battered heart out, "Y'alright in there?"

"You're just saying that …" she gave in, "just a side effect of some of the meds they gave me to dull the pain."

"Pain?"

Jac resisted the urge to unlock the door and hit him. "Wasn't exactly the greatest experience of my life …"

"Oh … yeah …"

She closed her eyes and was surprised to find the tears had stopped for now. "I could handle it – I mean, it wouldn't bother me that much if – if …"

"If things had gone the other way?" he added helpfully through the door.

She didn't respond to him and they both fell silent unsure what to say. She didn't want him to go but he'd made up his mind and there wasn't anything she could say to dissuade him. Part of her needed to tell him that she needed him – that he was all she had left now, but she couldn't bear the thought of his harsh rejection if she did tell him how she felt.

"Why are you still here Jonny?"

"I don't know," she heard him admit and all that did was confirm to her that she no longer meant anything to him. Had she been thinking rationally and not numb from pain and deprived of sleep then she'd recognise this as a sign of hope that things weren't nearly as lost as they believed it to be between them. She knew that if she actually _talked_ to him then maybe – just maybe – they could work things out and find themselves on the same page and reaching an understanding and then they could move on past what had happened.


	6. Chapter 6

This was a mess … one huge mess that she couldn't see a way out of. There just didn't seem to be any way forwards now for them. They had hurt each other too much – betrayed each other's trust and abused the fact that the other saw only the good in them despite all the flaws outweighing the good. All that was left was for them to say goodbye and go their separate ways. Surprisingly they had managed so far without much of an argument and she suspected it was now only a matter of time before one erupted.

She told Jonny how much of a mess it all was and he didn't take kindly to that – he tried to point out things had been fine until she'd cheated on him. She told him that he'd been stupid enough to take her back after that and pointed out that he should've know she'd destroy it all again. He then pointed out that if she hadn't come to him that night they wouldn't be in this situation right now and once again called it a 'mistake' unawares that word cut into her deeper than anything he'd said so far.

The argument swiftly reduced her to tears and how she managed to shout things back at him through the door she didn't know. That they had an edge and managed to hurt him back was something of a miracle because she had no idea what she was saying. It frustrated her that he was hell bent on destroying her and accusing her of not caring when she did care – she cared so much it was slowly killing her inside because she didn't know how to deal with what happened. She didn't know how to ask Jonny to help her and she was afraid he tell her no.

Well if Jonny was so determined to strip every last scrap of self-respect she had left then the least she could do was return the favour. But for every comment and dig and scornful embellished truth that she threw at him, he had one to toss back at her. From her side of the door it felt like he was winning – not that it was a competition or anything – and she found herself crying once more yelling at him through the sobs and the tears and wishing that he would just leave her to wallow in her pit of self-destruction alone.

She didn't need him to tell her how much she was hated and that no one would notice if she wasn't around. She didn't need him to tell her that her mother had done the right thing by abandoning her and that it had been because no one could ever love her. She didn't need him to tell her that she wasn't worth anything at all. She didn't need him to say that she wouldn't be missed at all and she definitely didn't need him to tell her she deserved everything that had happened to her in her cruel life. Because she already knew all of it.

* * *

She infuriated him; drove him to the extreme and pushed at him until he cracked and snapped and lashed out. Jac got under his skin and it was all he could do to stop himself from complying with her stupid whims and her outrageous demands. He wanted rid of this woman who never really wanted him and who couldn't comprehend human emotion or feelings. He wanted rid of her and yet he didn't want to go.

It was only natural that he wanted – no, needed – someone to blame for what had happened … and he knew that it was an entirely blameless thing that had happened. But pinning it all on Jac – saying that she had never wanted the child in the first place – was all he had even if he knew it was unfair and wrong to do such a thing to her. In his anger he refused to remember her as the fragile and vulnerable person she truly was, and instead saw her as the cold-hearted cow she portrayed herself as at work.

But what he didn't count on when he threw all his insults and curses and untruths at her was her throwing them all back at him with an edge and a precision that cut him deeply. Within a few moments he realised that Jac had managed to make him cry for the first time in years … and he hated her for it. The argument got more and more heated as they both sought to strip the other bear and leave them to cower in the pouring rain with nothing to hide behind.

They knew each other so well – too well perhaps – and so they knew what to say and where to strike and how to have the edge. For everything he chucked at her, she had something to fling back and he got angry with her for not even breaking under his relentless tirade of abuse when he had broken under hers. How long this lasted neither remembered – nor did they care for that matter because it was a chance to get everything off their chests and out into the open.

Only a few words and phrases of what she said got through to him – it was more the fact that she was saying them rather than him hearing them that mattered – just as very little of what he said made it through to Jac. They were shouting over each other to the point where it just became noise and they could barely hear themselves think let alone the person on the other side of the bathroom door.

Angry and hurt he suddenly demanded she came out of her hiding space so that he could speak to her properly. He staggered to his feet and pounded on the bathroom door yelling at her and determined to make her emerge, all the while still crying at what she had said even though he could hardly remember what it had been that she'd spoken. Eventually he gave up and slumped back down to the floor with his back against the obstacle hiding Jac from him. They fell silent and after a while he could hear the stereo he'd put on playing some song about love and betrayal and heartbreak and other such things that just added to the injustice of the impossible situation they were now in.


	7. Chapter 7

Turning the stereo off was too much effort, although the non-stop soppy romantic songs that were being played were getting to him. However he did his best to ignore them because it was better than listening to the muffled sounds of Jac attempting to hide her crying. It was also an attempt to stop her from hearing _his_ sobs and tears. His throat was raw from all the yelling and his eyes were burning slightly because of all the crying he was doing.

"Why did you do it?" he asked eventually, the question having been playing on his mind ever since she'd told him what she had done.

"Do what?" came her confused reply through the door.

"Sleep with Dolan."

She worked her jaw as Jonny waited for her to speak from the other side of the door. Why on earth was he bringing that up? Didn't he know how much it still killed her to know that she'd hurt him that much? "Honestly?"

"Honestly what?"

"I don't know. I – I wasn't thinking I guess … Joseph, he –"

"What's he got to do with it?" Jonny asked harshly and she closed her eyes letting out a sigh.

"Everything Jonny – he … how would you feel if you had ended a relationship still in love with a person only to have that person contact you after two years of nothing to invite you to their wedding?" she shifted and wiped away a few fresh tears, "I – I'd only just managed to accept he was gone and that it was you and me and …"

"You're blaming your ex for somethin' you did?"

"What difference does knowing make Jonny? It won't change what I did will it?" Jonny didn't respond and she shook her head with a sigh, "You have no idea how much I wish I hadn't done that to you," but whether he heard her or not she didn't know and it didn't really matter.

The only reason he didn't respond to her asking what difference knowing why would make was because he knew it would make none whatsoever. Thing was even if he did try to explain his reasoning for leaving her to cope alone after what had happened, it wouldn't change what he had done to her. He figured there was little point in even trying to fob of his actions with feeble excuses that didn't matter.

"Why are you still here?" he heard Jac asked in a small voice sometime later, "you've made up your mind … why haven't you gone? Or do you just want to make everything harder for me to cope with?"

"What are ya on about?" he demanded. He imagined he saw her shake her head before replying that it didn't matter. "Y'know what Jac, don't bother. I mean, why should ya explain to me what you mean – you never have before now have ya? It's fine. I'll just get outta your life like you want and you can go back to only thinking 'bout you."

"I don't want that!" on her side of the door, her promise to herself not to beg him to stay and not to inflict his harsh rejection upon herself went out of the window as she staggered to her feet and unlocked the bathroom door. Thankfully she didn't catch her reflection in the mirror – a total mess just about covered her appearance right then.

Jonny had to jump to his feet to avoid getting clouted by the opening door. It did shock her when she discovered that he seemed as much a mess as she was right then. There was a small moment where they stood watching and taking in what they'd reduced the other to before she reiterated that she didn't want what he'd accused her of wanting. "Then what d'you want then!" But she wasn't able to get the words out just then. Now the opportunity had arose, she suddenly couldn't face him slamming her door shut on his way out of her life. Jonny groaned and suddenly pinned her up against the wall. "For once in your life, can you give me a straight answer!"

Had he been thinking rationally he would have seen how suddenly afraid she was and how much she needed someone's support just then. He would've seen that she was struggling with it all and that his anger and his insistence on blaming her wasn't at all needed. Instead he demanded an answer from her as if his very life depended upon it. Had he been thinking rationally he would've seen that what she needed – what they needed – was a hug.

Jac was hugging herself as if trying to keep herself from falling apart, and there were tears streaming down her cheeks as she searched for words to answer him. "I want … I – I …" she whispered and it her lack of a coherent answer was irritating him. "I … I – I want … why do – I … you – you should … you should _know_ what I want!"

It took a moment, "you want the baby." Oddly it sounded like an accusation and he grew annoyed, "Well you can't have the baby Jac!"

"You think I don't know that!" she asked him, avoiding his gaze, "But that doesn't mean I can't want our child does it? Or do you not feel like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like there's part of you missing," he found that his anger had abated now, although he didn't step back and kept her pinned against the wall so she couldn't hide herself away from him again. Jac seemed so weak and unlike her, and when she spoke it caused his heart to break slightly because it dawned upon him that no matter how hard he was finding all of this, _she_ was struggling ten times as much as he was. Jac missed their child – their _stillborn_ child – in a way he could never begin to understand because she had carried the baby in her womb for nine months only to find that it had all been for nothing.


	8. Chapter 8

It seemed that – at last – they had realised that shouting at each other wasn't really going to help the situation … but the fact that there was now nothing more for them to say in terms of blame and accusations probably had something to do with it. She had all but given up on not letting him see her cry because she just couldn't hold it in any longer – her emotions seemed to have been let loose by Jonny's reappearance. Whereas upon her arrival back at her flat she'd been feeling numb and empty and unable to feel, the dam blocking her feelings and emotions had been broken by Jonny's anger and their arguments and, essentially, the fact that she was so tired. She had only slept a handful of hours in the past three days and the lack of sleep was taking its toll on her.

"I just … this – it …" she shook her head and stared at their feet while Jonny stood wondering what the hell he could say to make it better. Nothing was the answer because nothing could ever make this situation better.

"I know," he murmured when in truth he _didn't_ know – how could he possibly know?

"No you don't."

"No … I don't," he agreed after a moment. "I – I dunno what t' say Jac … I – I know that nothin' I do say will make it better."

"Then maybe it's best you don't say anything at all?" she suggested, looking up at him through her tears and noticing that Jonny had tears of his own in his eyes. "It's because you look at me and see what I can't give you, isn't it? The reason you're leaving; you see me and get reminded of something you don't want to remember."

He didn't really know what to say so he said nothing, unable to tell her that he didn't want to go because she was right; he looked at Jac and only saw his shattered dream – the dream he'd once thought he could have with her. "I should never have left you like that …" he began, still holding her up against the wall by the shoulders.

"Don't – okay … just don't start all this. Please … don't."

He didn't because he knew that it wasn't needed – that it would just make it harder for him to walk out of the door when he did eventually do so. How had things gotten so messed up as they had? Why had things gone so terribly wrong between them? And what – what had their _stillborn_ baby done to not deserve a life?

They could spend forever asking such questions and beating themselves up about it and blaming themselves and he knew that part of them always would – that they would never, ever, forget their child nor forgive the powers that had decided such a cruel fate for it. After today they would go their separate ways and forget … well, ignore … all that had gone on between them in the short space of time they'd known each other. It shocked him to realised that it was coming close to two years now, that he'd known and loved Jac Naylor.

In the background the stereo picked up a new tune and she figured it was just their luck that all the songs about heartbreak and loss were playing now. **_"Dear darlin' …"_** She closed her eyes and silently prayed for the song to be over already – why had she, in some fit of delusional happiness in a time gone by, let Jonny sing this song to her? If she opened her eyes she would see that, just as she was, Jonny was crying rather steadily in the knowledge that wiping tears away would be futile. **_"… I'm cold and alone tonight …"_** they would be alone tonight.

At least it wasn't one of the ones that she'd sat up crying to whilst it played on repeat not long after things went so tragically wrong between them – after the incident with Sean and after the slap. She didn't think she'd manage to hold it in if one of those songs started playing. **_"… I miss you, and nothing hurts like no you and no one understands what we went through …"_** Trying to find the words to tell him that she wanted – needed – him to stay was impossible; there weren't any that she could be sure Jonny would listen to. He'd made up his mind and she wasn't going to be able to sway him from that course.

**_"… It was short. It was sweet. We tried …"_** it was with great effort that he managed to _not_ start bawling his eyes out there and then. He would wait – a few tears … fine – but he would wait for the sobs and the proper full on crying until he got to his shoe-box-flat as Jac had once referred to it as. But seeing the utter devastation upon Jac's face damn near broke his resolve; she was, quite frankly, broken. Knowing full well that it would make the situation ten times worse, he took her into his arms and held her tightly while she sobbed her battered and bruised heart out.

All the while he held her; she knew that at some point she would have to let him go. The thought of that however just made her cling to him all the tighter and sob all the harder because she knew that she needed him. She knew that without him she would be and would have nothing left to fight for or even to live for; her job no longer had top priority in her life, not now she'd tasted what else there could be. Jonny held her, but not like he used to – she could tell that he was holding back, that he didn't want to get in too deep otherwise he'd not be able to make his quick exit when the mood took him.

**_"… we tried …"_** the last note of the song reverberated in his mind as Jac wept for the first time in a long time. All it did was reinforce how much he didn't want to leave her – and yet it told him that she needed someone who wouldn't put her into tears by just being there. He honestly didn't know what to do.


	9. Chapter 9

He was stalling the inevitable – and it wasn't doing either of them any good. He ought to let go of Jac, kiss her cheek in farewell and then shut the door gently on his way out without looking over his shoulder at her. He knew it would kill her … that if he left right now she'd crumple to the floor and cry and not move until someone came to check on her. He knew that whoever had taken her home would be back in the morning to see that she was okay … they'd find her in the same spot he'd left her and she would be okay.

All they did was destroy each other; hurt the other because it was all they knew how to do. It wasn't even a conscious thing … all he knew was that there was no future left for him and Jac. The only thing left was the bitter and twisted relationship they now had. Once upon a time there was the certainty it would change back into what it should be, because of the baby. Now that was taken from them and he didn't think he could stand to see her everyday knowing that he was reminding her of the one thing she couldn't have.

The way she clung to him – it was as if she needed him … as if her very life depended upon him being with her. It tore his heart as he gently removed her from his arms and saw the realisation on her face; Jac knew this was it. He half expected her to break again but she didn't, she bit her lip and blinked furiously to try to rid herself of her tears although it did little to stop them from falling thick and fast.

She didn't beg him to stay, which he was grateful for; this was something that had to happen. Not everything lasted and everything had to end at some point. She turned her head away and stared at her closed kitchen door determined to stay strong even though she'd just cried into his chest for the past ten minutes. It was one of the many things that he had always admired her for – her strength of character.

"Jac …"

"What?" she closed her eyes for a long moment as if that would keep the tears in, her shoulders shook with her supressed sobs.

"It aint good for ya – keeping it all in … y'know that right?" he asked. All he got was half a shrug and a bit of a nod. "I … you'll find someone," he tried – wanting to reassure himself as much as her that there would be someone else in store for her. "Someone better – yeah?"

"You don't get it do you?" she whispered, "_You_ were that person. My someone different; my someone better. It was you Jonny … but I didn't want to know, and when I did – it was already too late." She was crying again – in all fairness she hadn't stopped since she'd started – but silent sobs this time.

"You … y'know I love you right?"

"Just go … please – please just go … I – I can't do this anymore."

* * *

The door had closed – not slammed, he hadn't slammed it – on Jonny and she let out a huge breath she'd been subconsciously holding in while watching him go. Oddly she didn't fall to the floor in a heap and cry … not just yet anyway. Instead she made her way rather hesitantly back to her front room and perched on the edge of her sofa in almost a daze; as if she couldn't quite believe what had happened just happened.

Then the stereo switched to one of those songs that she'd often cried herself to sleep to after the countless times Jonny had walked away from her before now … true she had driven him to do it every time. **_"Standing face to face … wrapped in your embrace. I don't wanna let you go … but you've already gone …"_** she closed her eyes and felt the tears slip from beneath her closed eyelids as the music washed over her, the words to describe her emotions like she never could. She half wondered why she hadn't run out of tears already … until she reasoned it was because she had rarely let herself cry in the past.

She cried for every petty thing that had gone wrong in her life – and for all the big things. She cried over it all, her emotions overwhelming her and almost suffocating her with the intensity of it all … she wanted desperately to throw something and break it, to yell and scream and vent her frustration, but she didn't have the energy nor the will power. So instead she curled up in a ball on her sofa and just cried. **_"… nothing more to say, nothing left to break …"_**

As she knew he would, Jonny had – unintentionally perhaps – left her with nothing. But then again it was pretty much her own fault; had she not driven him off from the word go and just accepted the growing feelings she had for him then maybe they could've worked through the unexpected fact that their child was _stillborn_. **_"… let go of my hand, so I can feel again … nothing's gonna hurt as much as that final touch …"_**

If only the tears would stop … she was so tired and still recovering from the ordeal – physically. Mentally that recovery would take … well, who knew? **_"… no we can't be friends 'cause I don't think I can take seeing you and knowing where we've been …"_** When she eventually she did go back into work she decided she would apply to get transferred to another ward – AAU perhaps so she could be with Sacha – because there was no way she would be able to work alongside Jonny every day after this, let alone be his friend and talk to him. She would, undoubtedly, end up shouting at him and hurting him more than she already had … after all it had been her insufficient womb that had caused their baby to be _stillborn_. It was all her fault … always was and always would be.


	10. Chapter 10

It turned out that she'd cried herself to sleep because she woke next morning to the sound of someone putting on the kettle and humming merrily in her kitchen. Groaning she rubbed what felt like half the beech out of her eyes before going to see who was making themselves at home in her flat. But it was only Sacha. Oddly she took one look at him before remembering what had happened last night and burst into tears once again. He swept her up into a trademark bear hug, listening like a big brother would listen as she somehow managed to tell him what had happened when Jonny had turned up.

Sacha wiped away her tears and suggested that she take a shower while he tidied her flat up a bit – apparently it needed hovering and whatnot. "You'll feel better afterwards," he promised and she gave in, leaving him to do as he pleased around her flat while she showered and washed away the dirt and her troubles. She stood in under the jet of hot water until it ran cold, which was when she reached for the shampoo, conditioner and shower gel.

For once not bothering to dry her hair other than by the towel, she wrapped herself up in her dressing gown over a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a warm jumper before joining her friend in her front room where he handed her a hot chocolate complete with a smile. Sacha threw an arm casually round her shoulder before announcing that they were watching some RomCom that he'd bought with him. He said that Chrissie had left it when she moved out but Jac wasn't fooled – he had always had a soppy side. She didn't question his not being at work.

When the film finished Sacha switched the tv off and turned to Jac, who had started crying again – uncharacteristically touched by the soppy ending of the film. "Blame it on the hormones," Sacha suggested.

"But I'm not …"

"You're still hormonal … and I'll be you will be once a month from now on still."

"Shut up," she muttered, wiping her eyes, "I don't – I don't even know why I'm crying!"

"At least you are," Sacha pointed out, "it's better than keeping it all locked inside." She didn't respond because Jonny had said pretty much the same thing to her last night … before he'd walked out of her life. Jac reached for a tissue and blew her nose, hitting Sacha playfully when he pulled a disgusted face at her. He grew serious when she settled back on the settee wrapped in her dressing gown, tracksuit bottoms and warm jumper. "No one expects you to be okay Jac," he told her seriously.

"I just …"

"Have been for so long it's hard not to be?"

"Something like that," she admitted with a shrug.

"Remember when you first came back to work after wondering off while in the midst of septic shock?"

"Yeah," she answered wondering where Sacha was heading.

"You remember what I said to you? Other than saying that I liked you – that I wondered how you could be the way you are and that I understood it wasn't my problem." Jac shook her head, not really sure why he was bringing that up. He sighed, "we all need somebody Jac."

They sat in silence for a while, "Yeah … well who needs 'somebody' when they've got you?"

* * *

"So you just … left?" He nodded his head in his hands and wondering why he had called Mo the moment he'd got to his flat and not waited until he'd slept. His faithful friend – only once she'd let rip about him abandoning Jac – had come straight over and they'd talked the rest of the night away going over what had happened when Jonny had gone to see Jac.

"Yeah … but what else could I do?"

"I s'pose …" Mo sighed heavily. "Well; you need a shower and food and sleep – I'll make you breakfast. No buts!" she added when he opened his mouth to protest, "You stink … I'm impressed Jac didn't puke at the smell of you … and you've got, like four days' worth of dirt on ya. Go shower Jonny – or I'll phone granny Maconie!"

"Okay I'm going … jeeze you even sound like her!" He showered and pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms and zipped up a hoddie as he sniffed out what Mo had cooked up for their breakfast. "Bacon sandwich – with ketchup and a fried egg," he identified the ingredients as he smelt them and smiled when he discovered he was right.

"Shut up and eat – before I shove it in your face."

"Oi I'll chuck ya out," he joked as he took a huge bit. He knew that Mo was just waiting for him to break down on her because his voice had been wavering when he'd been on the phone to her last night. However when Mo had turned up he hadn't shed a tear – she was now determined to make him cry because it wasn't any good keeping it all in. Even if he had cried last night with Jac, he needed to grieve alone without her.

The two friends sat in his kitchen just talking about the best sandwich they'd had and then the worst they'd ever been forced to eat. It was when Mo turned back from putting the plates in the sink that she saw him burry his head in his hands and his shoulders shook. Sighing, she wrapped her arms around her friend and held him while he cried. It took a while – of course it would, he'd thrown Jac away and lost their baby. Eventually he grew quiet and shrugged her off in favour of the bathroom so he could wash his face.

When he emerged she cracked a joke and had him laughing like a maniac which cleared the air after his crying. They then sat in front of his tv and flicked to the comedy channel so they could spend the day snickering at the ludicrous things the actors did for entertainment. "Y'know I'm always here when you want a wee cry don't ya?"

"Right now Jonny, if I start crying on you – the state of your emotions … you'll end up crying with me!"


	11. Chapter 11

"Well – I was looking through some old initiatives the other day and I came across the CTU project that was trialled on Darwin …"

"And?" she asked, wondering what this had to do with what she had just asked Serena.

"And," Serena continued patiently, "I thought about starting a similar unit on AAU – with you at its head … it gets you off Darwin and away from a … certain Scottish nurse," Serena watched as Jac's eyes closed briefly at the mention, "besides, Jac , you're too good a cardiac surgeon to waste on GS stuff."

"Fine," she shrugged, "can I start now?" she got to her feet and headed to the door.

"Jac …" she turned and looked at Serena, "don't feel you _have_ to come back now – if … if you're not ready – want more time …"

She shut the door and rested her head against it, "I need this; I … I need to _do_ something other than just sit around … thinking and – and remembering … I need this."

"Well – I'm sure Mr Levy will keep a close eye on you at any rate … I'll email you the details of this unit I want to trial."

"Whatever," she just wanted to get back to some kind of normality after the eight weeks she'd spent avoiding all but Sacha and Mo and Elliot – the professor had asked her to keep an eye on his new pup when he went to some conference one weekend and Jac had vowed never again.

Leaving the office that had once been Hanssen's, she wondered down the corridor glad it was early enough that most of the usual staff weren't yet in. No doubt word of her return – and relocation – would spread like wildfire and she just wanted to be started before the questions came piling down on her all at once. Taking the back stairs and not denying the odd stab at going _down_ rather than _up_ she wondered how long before Ric jumped off the roof once he learnt he was working with Sacha _and_ Jac again.

Taking a deep breath, she found she was nervous as she lurked outside the doors to the ward and when a helpful hand between her shoulders urged her forwards and onto the chaotic ward. "So … Naylor and Levy Incorporated back in action and all that?" Sacha checked as he held the door for her with a smile.

"Serena's given the go-ahead so … yeah I guess."

"Now, just take it slow at first – find your feet and all that …"

Jac glared at him, "Me consultant, you registrar," she pointed out.

"Me hasn't had two months off, you have … sorry – I … I didn't mean that," but she shook it off and headed toward the nurses' station – totally unorganised and a complete mess. How they found what they wanted when they needed it she hadn't a clue and she was dreading having to delve into the mess when the time came. She was about to mention this to Sacha when the doors barged open and a cry for help was issued. Not wanting to be forced to 'take things slow' she jumped up and seized the patient as hers.

Sacha stood back and watched as she took control, issuing orders to Mary-Claire and Harry without giving them a chance to ask what she was doing on the ward. "Now," she added sharply. They scarped, hurrying to do what she asked first … it pleased Sacha to know that Jac hadn't lost her edge; she would need it if she was to survive her return to work and all the questions and comments that would get thrown at her. But he did have to reassure her that it was okay to have a moment or two of weakness if and when one was needed.

When the bells blared announcing Jac's patient was in need of resuscitating, Sacha hurried over to help his friend, knowing that she needed the control of being in charge right now. So much over the past few months she hadn't been able to control and that had thrown her and scared her and been the fundamental reason things had gone so pare shaped after the mishap with Jonny at the birth of her _stillborn_.

"You have warned Jonny you're back today though, haven't you?" he checked when they returned to the nurses' station. Naturally Ric, Harry and Mary-Claire were all there listening to Serena explain why Jac was on AAU – the trial thing she was supposedly going to email Jac about later – and they failed to hide the fact they were listening in on their conversation. "So what happens when he sees you in the corridor?"

"Nothing," she stated simply, "he'll carry on with his life and I'll carry on with mine."

"But Jac … you two …"

"But he left me," Jac ignored the others – Mary-Claire was no doubt taking notes while Edward sauntered over wondering what everyone was so engrossed with. In a softer voice so only he could hear, she continued, "you know all this – don't you? You've dragged my reasons out of me enough … and probably dragged his out of him like Mo dragged them out of me. Just drop it okay?"

"I'll text Mo to warn him," Sacha fretted as she walked off to get changed into the green AAU scrubs. The moment she had left the ward to change Edward remarked how odd it was to see her so slim again before Serena forbade him and Harry and Mary-Claire from mention anything pregnancy or baby related to her. Sacha wondered how long they'd stick to that promise and who would break it first.

"Well I'm heading up to Darwin to see Elliot, so I could mention it to him so he could warn Jonny if Mo hasn't already." Serena suggested as her phone rang, "I've got to take this … have fun and I'll pop by later to see how you're doing."

Jac returned as Serena left, which was lucky because her patient started crashing once again. Yelling at Harry to grab the crash trolley Sacha darted forwards to do the compressions while Jac had to guide the agitated husband away, a task made all the harder because of the squirming infant in the husband's arms.


	12. Chapter 12

The unannounced return of Jac Naylor to work – and her subsequent relocation to AAU – had long run dry in terms of the gossip that could come out of it and so the likes of Mary-Claire and her usual cronies had resorted to the issue that had been given the name 'Janny'. Sacha kept as much as he could of what was said away from Jac's ears but the few scraps that she did manage to hear only succeeded to get the response 'cretins' out of her.

It was perhaps a good thing Serena had given her this new initiative to head up when she'd returned because the time it had taken to get it to run smoothly had meant there had been little time for anything else. But as always, there were times when she had a moment or two when everything overwhelmed her and reminded her of everything she'd lost almost six months ago now. During those moments those around her were suddenly reminded of just how hard it was for her to have gotten on as if nothing had happened.

Today was such a day; the toll of her unit coupled with what would've been the sixth month of her child's life had her in a rather edgy and touchy mood. Thankfully Serena advised Ric, Harry and Mary-Claire to just do as she said without kicking up too many problems and to go to Sacha if they thought Jac ought to be doing something differently for whatever reason. The redhead had also bumped – well, walked – into Jonny earlier that morning and so her mind wasn't where it should've been. Jac and Jonny hadn't had shared more than a few words in the way of a conversation in six months and even now it was easier to pretend they hadn't noticed the other.

It was just her luck then that when the next patient was wheeled through the doors in need of the aid her unit was designed for; the victim happened to be an infant of the age Jac's child should've been. Jac didn't do 'emotionally involved' but she found it rather difficult to stick to that as she tried desperately hard to save the baby's life. Apparently there had been some kind of RTA involving the car the baby's family had been in and a lorry. Oddly the parents had been taken straight to St James' rather than Holby but Jac hadn't time to think about that.

Knowing that Ric, Serena and Sacha would only try and convince her to pass on the case, Jac told Harry he was assisting. By the time they finished Harry had overstepped the mark by pointing out that the baby wasn't going to make it. She stormed out of theatre and was pulled up short when Ric informed her that the mother had arrived. Brushing off the suggestion that someone talk to the woman, Jac went straight to the relatives' room.

"I'm so sorry," and yet she knew it wasn't enough.

"What would you know? Have _you _lost a child?" but Jac didn't need to answer because the mother caught the look in her eyes and quickly apologised before nodding when asked if she wanted a cup of tea.

Leaving the room and tasking Mary-Claire with the tea order, she suddenly found herself slumped in an exhaustive, yet rather numb heap at the bottom of the back stairs. It was only when a rather awkward arm was wrapped round her shoulders that she realised she was crying. Sobbing into his chest – even after six months of avoiding him, she knew who it was – she found he was holding onto her as tightly as she was him.

"It's okay," he murmured into her hair, "I heard what happened … it's okay."

"I thought …" she spoke into his scrub top through her sobs, "that it would get easier – that if I just … got on with things then … I – I knew it wouldn't go away, but … I thought it'd get easier."

"Me too," Jonny admitted, "I think we both underestimated how hard this would be."

"I'm sorry."

"Why? It aint your fault." She looked up at him, noticing that his eyes were rather bright and watery too, which prompted her to reassure him that it wasn't his fault either. "I … I wish I had someone to blame," he muttered eventually.

"I think that's the worse bit – the fat that it wasn't anyone's fault."

He angrily wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and gave had a weak smile, "These past six months have been hell – don't even want to think how bad it's been for you."

She shook her head, "I haven't given myself time to think about it."

"That aint a good thing Jac," Jonny told her sternly.

"I know – but … I – it's been easier just to –"

"Forget?"

"No, not forget. I can't forget … ignore it maybe."

"Still not good for ya," he repeated stubbornly, getting the smallest of smiles out of Jac because of the face he pulled.

"I know."

They sat together in silence; Jonny still had his arm round her shoulders, until her phone started ringing from her pocket. Groaning at the caller ID – Sacha wanting to know she wasn't about to do something stupid probably – she just rejected the call and decided to let him worry for a bit, try and shed a few pounds off him. For a long time they didn't speak, it was only now that Jac realised just how exhausted she was … without realising it she rested her head against Jonny's shoulder and when Sacha eventually found her, Jonny placed a finger to his lips to signal silence.

"She's asleep – probably for the first time in weeks … or months."

Sacha scratched his head, "Knowing Jac, probably. She probably hasn't even realised how hard she's been pushing herself."

"I think she's needed this though; the time to just get back to a bit of normality."

Sacha carefully took Jonny's place and voiced something that had been bothering him for a while, "She … said that you – before you left her … that you told her you loved her."

Jonny paused in the act of disappearing off to Darwin.

"Odd moment to say something like that for the first time."


	13. Chapter 13

Jonny hesitated before deciding to ignore Sacha and head up to Darwin before Mo sent out a search party. If Jac's friend was smart, he'd text or ring Mo to point that out to her so that she would then question him and drag the answer out … but he didn't know the answer. He didn't know why he'd told Jac he loved her seconds before walking away from her … it had just – well, slipped out without him realising it. A poor excuse, he knew, but it was all he had.

Six months … six months – and all he'd done for the past six months was exist. He hadn't lived … Mo and Elliot and many others had attempted countless times to involve him in social events and to relocate his happy-go-lucky personality that made Darwin a brighter place. However without Jac – without their child – he didn't see the point, because why should he be happy when she so clearly wasn't?

Her success with Serena's unit down on AAU had reached Darwin, and he knew that Elliot and Mo were fiercely proud of what she'd achieved – as was he – but they also knew that she, like Jonny, hadn't been living. From the snippets he and Mo caught when Ric popped up to see Elliot, it seemed that Jac was throwing herself into the initiative in the hopes it would help her forget what she was missing. He only wished he had something like that to distract him for a while.

Jonny wasn't stupid; he knew that Jac moving to AAU hadn't been because of the unit; she couldn't face working alongside him every day after what he'd put her through, and he didn't blame her. In all fairness he should've been the one to do the moving, since it was all his fault – he'd left her when she had needed him most and that couldn't ever be forgiven. No, it was better this way, better that he and Jac weren't forced upon each other anymore than they had to be.

Well until today that had been. That Jac had fled AAU in a state close to tears had spread faster than wildfire – and something like a record in Holby Gossip Wheel terms – and the moment he'd heard he had went out purposely looking for her. Maybe it was because he knew, even after so long without her that she would push everyone else away and hide her tears when they needed to be shed. He knew Jac didn't have it in her to push him away when she was in such a state as the one it was said she was in.

Finding her on the stairs, it hadn't been until he'd held her in his arms that she'd started crying … and it had been a long time before she had managed to calm down enough to talk to him – or even hear him. After spending six months avoiding her as if she had the plague (perhaps not the best metaphor to use since they worked in a hospital), it had been odd that it hadn't felt awkward while they sat together on that bottom step … well, at least it hadn't been until Sacha had come along and asked his question.

He felt somewhat like a coward over the fact he hadn't been able to tell her for such a terribly long time, and even when he _could've_ said it, he hadn't. For whatever reason, he'd held his tongue whenever the three simple words threatened to slip out and betray his heart to her. Despite her hard exterior and how she had always fobbed him off – he had known that she had meant them when she'd told him, a year and a half ago.

"Jonny!" he groaned. It was as if the F1 was trying to be a miniature Jac on purpose … and failing miserably at it. Mo was impressed he'd managed to stay out of her pants for so long and kept teasing him about how it was inevitable that he'd end up getting it on with her at some point. He just kept quiet and ignored her. "Can you ask Elliot to take a look at this patient for me pleeeease?"

"It's Professor Hope to you," he muttered.

"Heard the latest on Naylor? Apparently she's having a full-on break down in the middle of AAU!" thankfully Mo appeared at that moment.

"Oi you, F1 … go and do your job and stop gossiping about something you don't know anything about!"

"I know!"

"What? You know what she's going through do you? Gave birth to a _stillborn_ baby have you?"

"I hardly think that's the point!"

Jonny left them to it and shut himself away in the locker room, hoping for a few moments peace before he was summoned onto the ward and forced to endure the rest of the day hearing about Jac and her so-called break down. It hadn't been a break down, she'd just slipped away to cry over the loss of something she shouldn't of had to lose. That was all.

"Got an interesting text off Sacha just now … he seems to think that, before you left Jac, that you told her you loved her?"

So Sacha was smart, well he had to be if he was going to stay friends with Jac Naylor. "What of it?"

"Perfect timing Jonny," Mo told him settling down on the bench. He just shrugged and rested his head against his locker as he let out a huge sigh. "How was she?"

"Cried herself to sleep on me shoulder," he told his friend.

"Oh Jac …"

"Apparently her patient was a – a wee baby the age ours shoulda been …" Jonny closed his eyes and took a deep breath, "and the mother accused her of not knowing how she was feeling when she told her the news."

"So Jac disappeared the moment she could before anyone caught her crying?" Jonny nodded and Mo sighed heavily. "What about you? Y'know this isn't good for you Jonny. Just sitting around doing sod all and working isn't going to help you."

"What else do I have Mo? And _don't_ tell me to go and get on Zosia then y' can think again!"

"I wasn't … and you can do a hell of a lot better than her."

"I … I – I dunno what t' do Mo," he turned to his friend, "and I dunno what I can do."

"You can start by coming for a drink later."


	14. Chapter 14

It turned out that there was some kind of event on, which was why Mo had insisted on dragging Jonny with her. An opportunity for him to once again be the life and soul of the party … he intended to sit at the back with a glass of water and ignore everyone else (after what had happened when he'd gone for air to clear his head, Jonny had vowed to never again touch a drop of alcohol). But it seemed Mo was going to insist this time.

Agreeing to one drink, he ordered a beer and joined them at their table while Elliot introduced them all to the man sitting beside him. It was only when Michael called over the crowd; "Sacha you actually managed to bring her?" that Jonny started paying attention. Instead of turning to get a good look at Jac as everyone else was, he was looking at the only other person who hadn't turned at Michael's shout.

"Joseph Byrne," he said, introducing himself with a smile and a handshake.

"I … Jonathan Maconie." What was he doing? He _never_ introduced himself as 'Jonathan' … but this was Jac's ex – the one she'd been so cut up about losing; if he wasn't careful he'd end up giving this guy the impression Jac had settled for less than she was worth – which she had, but he wasn't about to give this Joseph guy the satisfaction of admitting that.

"Pleasure to meet you …" and with that he got to his feet to greet Sacha and then Jac. Watching intently, he noticed how her smile didn't quite reach her eyes and how she quickly excused herself to order a drink. Joseph immediately volunteered to join her and judging by the look on Sacha's face, he wasn't the only one who had spotted how Jac hadn't really like that idea.

He didn't pay much attention to whatever it was Mo was going on about – although apparently it was highly amusing since everyone around him seemed to be struggling to breathe and remain upright in their seats. His attention was fixed upon Jac at the bar with Joseph. By the fact that they both had drinks made him realise they weren't going to be re-joining them for a while. But then again, Jonny reasoned they had a lot to catch up on.

Harry was now recounting what seemed to be a highly cringe worthy tale from his university days; Mo and Serena were nearly sobbing into his shoulders as they laughed at whatever it was the pompous junior doctor had done. Something highly embarrassing by the sounds of it … throwing Jac another glance, Jonny wondered if Joseph had spotted the subtle shift in her body language that immediately said that the GP – Jac mentioned how he'd left the hospital to run a GP surgery – was treading on dangerous ground.

Excusing himself he got to his feet, forcing Serena and Mo to sit up properly and stop using him as means to hide their embarrassment at Harry's story. It was with difficulty that he navigated the crowd to reach Jac, but he did so and couldn't help the pleasure at the look of relief upon her face when he interrupted them with a gentle hand on the small of her back. "Jonny," she breathed.

"Ah yes, the Scottish nurse," Joseph said smiling pleasantly, "can I get you a drink?"

"No, I've gotta drive … but thanks for the offer."

"You could always grab a cab?"

"Why? D'you wanna see me drunk or somthin'?"

"Jonny," Jac muttered, but he didn't notice her or her gentle hand on his arm. For whatever reason the man standing before him was ticking him off and it was all he could do to stop himself from rising to him.

"Well apparently you enjoyed yourself so much six months ago … I thought you might like to do so again." There was something in the way he spoke – as if he knew everything that had gone on. "Not the best time to lose three days is it? Bet it didn't occur to you how much it would hurt her – you not being there. Probably hasn't even crossed your mind … losing something like that."

"Jonny leave it," Jac attempted to lead him away from the bar and back to their friends, who – along with the rest of the pub – were watching and listening intently.

"What the hell do you know 'bout it? Huh? You're one t' talk! What about when _you_ hurt her eh? How 'bout all those times?" The atmosphere was tense; the two men were perhaps moments away from exchanging blows and Jac was standing right in the middle attempting to force the confrontation to be solved amicably. Deciding to be the bigger man, Jonny turned to Jac. "You alright? You just looked a wee bit uncomfortable from where I was sittin'"

She shrugged, "I didn't want to talk about it – but he knows and wouldn't stop asking me," Jac murmured in response before ordering another drink for them both.

"You sure that's wise Jac? Ordering him booze? He'll only go and forget about you again."

"Leave it," she hissed as Jonny was about to push past her; his hand was resting on the bar and she placed hers over it and squeezed slightly. "Please, just leave it."

"What the hell did ya see in him?" he demanded.

"But then again," Joseph was saying, "you probably didn't care did you? Would've been a massive inconvenience if it had survived wouldn't it?"

It took them both a moment to realise what he was on about.

"I mean, let's face it Jac, you're not exactly mother-material are you? So I bet you're pleased with the way things have turned out … never wanted it in the first place. What you being so quiet for? Oh c'mon surely you weren't seriously thinking you could've been a mother – didn't what yours did to you teach you a lesson?" Thing was, Jonny would've walked away if it hadn't been for the fact that he spotted Jac quickly wiping away the few tears that had fallen. Elliot and Sacha swiftly intervened at that point, and if they hadn't then Jonny probably would've attempted to hit Jac's ex. Dragging him outside Elliot was talking to Joseph while Sacha and Michael were attempting to get Jonny to sit down. No one seemed to notice Jac slip off to the ladies' bathroom.


	15. Chapter 15

It had been shockingly easy to slip away and head off home. In fact she'd just finished running her bath before her phone started ringing desperately. "Levy. No shut up – I'm fine … I went home. Why? Because I couldn't face you lot all asking me if I'm okay every thirty seconds. Sod off! No! I don't want company! Sacha … please; just leave me alone." Her friend blurted on for several moments without drawing breath and she groaned before hanging up.

Why couldn't they respect her wish to be alone? It was a simple enough request, not too difficult to carry out … cursing her friends and knowing that they were only this annoying because they cared so much about her, Jac stepped into her bath and sighed contently. Oddly she didn't really blame Jonny for reacting the way he had – and it had touched her to know his willpower had broken only because he'd seen that Joseph's words had gotten to her.

He was an idiot. But she loved him for it … still. Six months and nothing had changed; even now she still needed him … but things just didn't work when they were together. And they could never be 'just friends' which left them with the option they were at; avoid all forms of contact and pretend that they weren't dying without the other there with them. Until today that had been working just fine …

Emerging from the bath, she towel dried her hair before discarding the now rather wet thing on the radiator and then wrapping herself up in a second fresh one. It was at that moment that someone began hammering on her front door. Neglecting to let her bathwater drain away, she made sure the towel was wrapped securely round her before leaving the bathroom and then unlocking her front door.

She should've guessed that it would be Jonny. "Come in, by all means," she muttered as she closed the door behind him after he hadn't waited to be allowed in.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. So now we've established that, do you think you could leave?"

He shook his head, "back to this are we? Well at least we're speaking."

"What are you on about?" He rolled his eyes and didn't answer her, "Fine – but d'you think I can at least get dressed? Or was this your plan?"

"Why would getting you t' talk to me in ya towel be me plan?"

"How would I know?"

Jonny took a deep breath, "I just wanted t' know you were okay."

"Why wouldn't I be?" she asked him; arguing was better – this way she didn't have to lie about how she felt.

"Because I saw how what he said upset you." She looked at the ground beneath her bare feet but didn't respond to his comment for a while.

"I – I … I wasn't planning on telling him … but somehow he already knew. I s'pose it's no secret what happened is it? And that we don't talk anymore … not like the subject's tabooed is it?"

* * *

He watched her and tried not to let the fact she was clad in only a towel, complete with wet hair, distract him too much. But try as he might it was proving nigh on impossible for him to ignore the fact that she stood in front of him in next to nothing. To attempt to drag his mind away from the line of thought it was following he asked; "Why did he bring it up? Because he didn't sound like he was being supportive or anythin'."

Jac just shrugged and muttered about needing to drain her bathwater away. For some reason he followed her into the bathroom, and then out of it and to the kitchen were she flicked on the kettle. The whole atmosphere between them was … better … than his last visit to her flat. At least she wasn't in tears this time – and he hadn't just abandoned her after learning their baby was _stillborn_. But it did mean that she was in a better mood for an argument …

"Coffee's back on the menu then?" he joked and she smiled and shook her head with what sounded like a tiny laugh. Saving her the trouble of attempting to make the drinks one handed, he took over so as to allow her to secure the towel better – or go and change. For some reason she chose to remain clad in the towel … he wondered if she knew it was making him slightly uneasy; or if it was because she felt comfortable enough in his presence to do such a thing.

"Why are you here Jonny?" she asked eventually with a sad little sigh, "because you know we can't do this."

"I – I …" he cleared his throat, "I … I wanted to make sure you're okay," he repeated for the third time.

"So you've said; and you've done that. There's something else though, isn't there?"

He fiddled with his mug, "Mo says that I – that, um …" he shook his head and shrugged, "didn't want to stay at Albie's and, um … didn't really wanna go home."

"So you came here?"

"Yup," he held her gaze as she watched him before she quickly looked away as if afraid she'd been staring too long.

"We can't do this," she repeated, but more to herself than to him.

"Why not?" he knew why not – he knew exactly why not … but he felt he had to question it.

"You know why not Jonny. We'll screw up … _I'll_ screw up again and – and I … it's too hard to – to be your friend … because – I … because …"

"Because you remember everything you had and everything you lost," he finished softly and watched as Jac nodded slowly and bit her lip.

"Too hard – way too hard …"

"Y'know I would've decked him if you hadn't stopped me."

"Which was why I stopped you," Jac pointed out.

"Why? Don't ya think I could've taken him!" he couldn't help his pride and ego burst forwards slightly wounded.

"I didn't want you to get hurt," Jac whispered refusing to look at him.


	16. Chapter 16

"You didn't want me to get hurt?" he repeated, just to make sure Jac had actually said that.

"Yes … and now you're going to go on about how it's too late for that and that I've already hurt you way more than a few punches from Joseph ever could." She was staring down into her mug and her shoulders were hunched as if waiting for him to explode on her. It pained him to realise that this was where they had got to.

"No, I – erm … actually I wasn't."

"Why? You have every right to be angry about that."

"Jac," he reached over the counter and touched her hand, "what happened … that was over a year ago now …"

"Doesn't change what I did," she told him stubbornly.

"I know – just like time won't change what I did t' ya …"

"What do you want? Do you want me to forgive you is that it? Do you want me to say that it's okay and that I'm not still hurting from what you did? Do you want me to lift the guilt off your shoulders so you can go and carry on with your life is that it?"

"No. Even if you did forgive me I could never forgive myself … just like you can't forgive yourself even though I've forgiven you."

"Why though?" she asked in a whisper, "I don't deserve you or your forgiveness … I didn't deserve – well I never got the baby did I?"

He watched her for a few moments before voicing the realisation as it dawned upon him, "you blame yourself for what happened?"

She threw a fearful look up at him, "It's my body – the baby was in _my_ womb … of course it's my fault."

He shook his head before darting round the counter and pulling her to her feet, careful not to cause the towel to fall away. "I want you t' promise me somthin'," he told her seriously.

"What?"

"That you're gonna stop blaming yourself for what happened – okay? Because it wasn't your fault … it – it would be easier if – if it was because then I could blame someone … but it isn't. Okay – Jac, you – you did nothin' wrong!"

He had to blink several times to clear the film of tears covering his eyes, "Then why did it happen?" she choked and he pulled her into his arms tightly, "If it wasn't my fault – if it wasn't because of me then … then why?"

"I dunno Jac … I dunno." He hadn't planned on this; on making he cry yet again over it all. All he could do was cling onto her as if his life depended upon it and do his very best not to break down too. "I … I wish I knew," he told her, he pressed his face into her wet hair and was momentarily caught in the familiar scent of her shampoo. "If I knew then – then I'd tell ya … y'know that right? That if I knew why, I'd tell ya."

* * *

After a while she pulled away from the safety of his arms and returned to her seat, pulling the towel round herself more firmly before it slipped and exposed more flesh than she was willing to let him see. Sipping her now rather cold coffee she tried her best to avoid Jonny's gaze as he refilled the kettle and poured away his cold drink in order to make a fresh one for them both. Figuring that they might as well be comfortable, she grabbed her dressing gown and then made her way into her front room.

After a second Jonny joined her with the fresh drinks – tea this time since she'd run out of coffee – and they settled down on her sofa. "Don't give me that look – I didn't squeeze the bag!" He muttered about how it was 'hardly tea' at all and she just shook her head in amusement before turning on the tv and making sure Jonny wasn't near the remote or she'd be forced to endure the football.

For a while they sat there watching some crappy soap that was on until they couldn't stand the absorbedness of it and switched it over to another channel. It was strange … she could honestly fool herself into believing that they did this every day after work and before dinner. Jonny kept glancing at the remote and then at the clock on his phone and she knew he was desperate to watch the football. Making it look as if she wasn't watching, she waited until he darted for the remote on the coffee table and quickly snatched it up before he could grab it.

"Aw c'mon lemme watch the footie!" he begged.

"No!"

"Y'know if we had a wee boy you'd of been out voted on that," he said quickly. They paused for a long moment watching the other; Jonny seemed as surprised as she was that he'd said such a thing … however after a few moments they realised that, actually, it didn't hurt that much.

"You sure about that?" she challenged him.

"Um … kinda …" For whatever reason she laughed at his response; "oi what's so funny?"

"Nothing," she assured him.

"Well it must've been somthin' or you wouldn't be laughing like that."

She shook her head and got to her feet, making sure to take the remote with her, "I take it you're going to want feeding soon?"

His face lit up, "I thought you'd never ask!"

Making her way to the kitchen, she was careful to close the door – she knew full well Jonny knew how to change the tv channel without the remote – and sighed heavily. It worried her – she hadn't yet kicked him out when she knew she ought to … otherwise things might happen that shouldn't because they couldn't because they didn't work. But a rather annoying part of her pointed out that, actually, she and Jonny did work. They worked really well – in fact, they worked well enough to get past the mistakes she'd made … and the one he'd made …


	17. Chapter 17

"So … what ya cooking? Or should I say attempting to cook?" he fell silent, "Jac?"

"What?"

"You okay?" She nodded without really listening to what he was saying, "You sure? Jac?" after a few moments she found him steering her out of the kitchen and back into the front room before he headed back and began to raid her cupboards for suitable ingredients for dinner. He knew her well enough to just leave her to it when she was acting the way she was.

But it really scared her; the fact that, she and Jonny could've gotten everything all wrong like they had … six months without him had cleared her head of all the bad and all the crap and shit that had gone on between them ever since they'd met. She could, quite easily and rationally, think about the situation between her and Jonny for the first time. And it scared her; the direction her thoughts were taking her … and the fact that she _wanted_ them to go down that path.

But that was nothing to how easily she was able to convince herself that it could and would work between them. _That_ scared her; the fact that it took very little persuasion on her part to convince herself that there was in fact a chance for them. Trouble was, now she didn't know what to do or what to say … because the chances of him reaching the same conclusion she had were slim to none and she couldn't put her heart through even more pain than it had already endured.

Figuring that the whole situation would be easier if she was actually wearing clothes rather than a damp towel and a dressing gown, she slipped into her bedroom and decided that Jonny would just have to cope with her in her sleepwear. Pulling on the oversized t-shirt and the shorts that she wore to bed, she threw her dressing gown back round her shoulders and shoved her hair into a messy pile on the top of her head.

Evidently Jonny had found something to shove into the oven since the small flat was filled the smell of pasta and chicken and some form of sauce. Intending to go into the kitchen and give some pathetic excuse for her lack of dinner-making, she found herself leaning against the door frame watching him as he happily prepared whatever it was he was making. There was a fond smile on her face when he glanced over his shoulder and spotted her standing there watching him with her arms folded and a smile on her face.

"What?" Jonny asked.

"Nothing," she told him.

"No, it's somethin' – you're smiling for one thing."

"Is that such a bad thing?"

Jonny hesitated, "no, I'd just like to know _why_ you're smiling – so that I can take steps to make it happen on a regular basis." He put down the tea-towel and headed over to where she stood watching her with an odd expression on his face. "Tell me why you're so happy all of a sudden."

* * *

He waited, not concerned but curious … he loved her smile – it light up her face and made her ten times harder to resist. "Jac … tell me."

Jac shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal and he groaned knowing that she wouldn't part with her secrets until she was ready to. Turning back to the dinner he proceeded to ignore her presence in the room – well he did his best to; he found it odd to have people watch him cook. After a few moments he heard the stereo being switched on and then the tv being switched back to whatever channel Jac wanted.

Jac … that woman was never far from his mind – in fact more often than not she was the only thing _on_ his mind. It pleased him that things weren't at all awkward between them – at the moment – he hadn't intended to stay … but he hadn't intended to fall for her right at the start. Funny how those things just happened sometimes. After six months of avoiding her he now realised how hard it had actually been, even though the act of staying out of her way had been very simple indeed.

All the crap and all those shitty arguments and infuriating moments of not knowing what she meant and not knowing what she wanted … in all fairness he hadn't exactly stopped her from blowing everything to dust when she did – and she hadn't stopped him from doing the same when he'd walked out. If she had spoken to him, if she had called him then he wouldn't of left. Just like if he had pointed out that no normal person invited their ex to their wedding then she would've seen sense and not bitten his head off as much as she had.

One thing was clear though, and it wasn't exactly a revelation or whatever because – in some sense – he had always known. Why else would he of told Jac he loved her back when he did? He'd meant it, meant the words and her asking him just to leave had been her way to hide how she had _known_ he meant them. It came as no surprise to him when the fact that they had been A-class idiots hit him rather solidly over the head.

Because he loved her and now – now there wasn't anything complicating things or getting in the way or any baggage, so to speak, because they essentially knew all there was to know about each other – well all that was important at any rate. But now what was he supposed to do? Had she reached the same conclusion as him? Or had she convinced herself that 'just friends' was all they could ever be? He knew for a fact that, for him and Jac, there was only two options available for them; to be together or to be apart … there was no middle ground, no room for 'just friends'. Shaking himself back to reality in time to stop the pasta from boiling dry, he busied himself with dishing up dinner and wondered what now.


	18. Chapter 18

Dumping the empty pans in the sink, he shoved the cutlery into his back pocket before picking up the two plates and backing out of the kitchen so as to avoid the door banging into the plates and knocking all the food to the floor. Jac was sitting in the corner of the settee not interested in whatever it was she had on the tv and she glanced up at him with a small smile when he arrive in front of her. Handing Jac her plate he grabbed the cutlery out of his back pocket before he sat on them and then settled down on the sofa beside her.

"What we watching?" he got a shrug out of her and shook his head in amusement and instead asked what she thought of the meal. Thankfully it got her approval and so dinner went by without an argument and he was starting to think they might be able to get through the evening without one. It would be something of a record for them if they did.

Discarding the empty plates on the coffee table he turned to Jac to find that she was already watching him with that odd expression on her face. He narrowed his eyes at her questioningly and only succeeded in getting a shake of the head and a coy shy smile out of her. Rolling his eyes he got to his feet and perused her DVD collection, noticing several of his own films that had mysteriously disappeared from his own collection.

Shoving the disc into the player he settled back down next to Jac while she demanded to know what he'd picked. Smirking he kept silent and grinned when she gave a forced groan; he knew full well that she enjoyed the film he'd picked. Wrestling the remote from her he pressed play and grabbed Jac's arm as she made to find some excuse not to sit down and watch it with him; telling her that the plates could wait he noticed that she stopped resisting almost immediately.

Part of him was screaming at him to say something to her about what he'd realised while making their dinner, but the other part of him said 'no' because she would just give him the cold shoulder and make him leave … with the blistering remnants of an argument ringing in his ears. So he kept quiet and relished in the way she leant against his shoulder while they watched the first few scenes of the film.

Halfway through, he turned to Jac to ask her something only to find her sleeping lightly against his chest. Without realising it, he had wrapped her arms around her – he was almost afraid to move out of fear of waking her. It had been a long time since he'd been able to watch her sleep; when Jac slept it was as if all her fears, all her worries and all her problems simply didn't exist when she was sleeping in his arms. Something told him that Jac didn't sleep nearly as well with anyone else – or even alone and it gave him a warm glow.

* * *

She had a vague memory of Jonny half carrying her to bed at one point, but in all honesty she was too tired to remember if she had imagined that or not. She _did_ know that she fell fall asleep on the sofa in Jonny's arms, and had then woke up in alone in her bed. Rolling over she glanced at her clock and frowned; someone – Jonny – had turned her alarm off meaning that she couldn't get up at some stupid time in the morning.

Groaning she clambered out of bed to find Jonny out for the count on her sofa. It was only then that she remembered it was the weekend. Flicking on the kettle she wondered what the hell he was still doing here and yet at the same time she felt a warm glow over the fact he hadn't gone and that he was still with her in her tiny and rather empty flat. She was at a loss at what to do now; her heart wanted one thing and yet her brain told her she wasn't likely to get it … but then again she didn't _know _what he wanted – it would be stupid to not say anything if there was a chance that he too had the same feelings.

Because she knew how much of a heavy sleeper Jonny was, she knew he'd still be asleep when she got back from the shop. The trip was necessary due to the fact she had run out of essential items like milk and bread. Naturally the Scottish nurse was still dead to the world when she returned and not even the smell of coffee brewing was enough to wake him. Not exactly concerned, she decided to check for a pulse – just to make sure he was still alive – and was shocked at the sigh of relief when she felt one beating steadily.

But she was glad he was asleep because it gave her time to figure out what she could say to him and what might or might not happen when she dared to embark upon the 'them' conversation. There was little point delaying it; they _had_ to address the issue, if anything to clear up where they now stood with each other because she hadn't a clue and it was close to driving her insane.

It was funny – twenty-four hours ago she and Jonny were avoiding even mention each other and now … well, he'd spent the night at her flat and they had yet to argue. She wasted no time in admitted that the evening had been … enjoyable and well, like it should be. But despite everything she couldn't rid that glimmer of doubt that things would go all wrong once again … but wrong for good this time. However by the time Jonny did surface, she had arrived back to square one and totally clueless as to what to say to him.


	19. Chapter 19

Jonny placed his hands on her shoulders as she sat at the counter staring into her morning coffee as if it held all her answers. Funnily enough, the first words out of her mouth to him were; "We need to talk."

"That phrase always sends chills down me spine."

"Why?"

"It has the ability to make ya remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life," he explained with a smile. "When I was wee lad – um me granny was forever sayin' that she needed t' talk to me … usually to ask how somethin' had got broken."

"Because she knew you had broken it?"

"It weren't _just_ me!" he protested. "What did ya wanna have a wee chat about?"

She fiddled with the handle of her mug and looked at the counter, "Us."

"Us," repeated after a few moments and she refused to look up at him out of fear she wouldn't like what she saw on his face, "where did ya plan t' start?" Jonny asked.

"I don't know," she admitted softly, "I just know we need to – to talk about … us. Because – because I honestly don't know what's going on between us anymore Jonny."

"Nothing – nothing's going on between us Jac." The plain and simple truth laid out to her and she shied away from it because she'd convinced herself that wasn't the case. She had convinced herself that there was something lurking underneath the surface between them … clearly she had been wrong because Jonny evidently didn't think that was the case. "Unless …" he cleared his throat uncomfortably, "well … unless – um, you … you thought otherwise?"

Was that hope in his voice she heard? Resisting the urge to look up at him, she shrugged and stared into her empty mug. "I er … um … well I – I … just thought that … um …" she closed her eyes and sighed, why was this so difficult? Was telling him how she felt really that hard? She realised that it wasn't so much as the words not coming, but more she was trying to stop them from being said out of fear he didn't want to hear them.

"Jac?" almost tentatively she felt him reach out and take her hand in both of his.

"I – I … I'm not sure what I want to say to you," she admitted finally, her attention now focused upon her small hands in his bigger ones. "Or what you want to hear from me."

Almost absently he started gently playing with her fingers; "tell me how you feel … in here," Jonny lifted her hand and placed it on his chest. Beneath her fingers and the thin cotton of his shirt she could fell his warm skin and the steady beating of his heart – the number of times she had fallen asleep listening to that sound when they had been together … it had been comforting to know that he was there with her.

"I just … I just – I … just …" she closed her eyes and looked up at him. The look in his eyes gave her the courage to say what she wanted – needed – to say to him.

* * *

"You just what?" he asked gently, looking into those eyes of hers that betrayed what her heart was truly feeling, he gave Jac a small smile of encouragement to let her know he was going to listen to whatever she wanted to say.

Jac let go of the mug and took hold of his hands before taking a deep breath, "I – I didn't want you to … to leave." She began hesitantly, dropping her gaze from his although he kept looking at her in the hopes she'd look up at him again. "But I – I didn't know how to tell you that … I – I was too … I didn't know how to tell you that I – um … that I needed you."

"So ya let me go?"

"You'd already decided to leave," she pointed out, "and the state I was in – I didn't have it in me to attempt to stop you."

"I wouldn't have listened," he admitted, although it pained him to say it. "You … you didn't need me; you needed someone and … and it wasn't – _isn't_ – me."

"Isn't?" she repeated in a whisper and he watched her intently wondering what that small catch in her voice had been. "Because you left when I needed you most you think you're not good enough or something?" He twitched slightly and almost pulled his hands away from hers before nodding. "So everything I did to you doesn't count?" He didn't respond and for a moment they sat in silence for a long while. "I need you Jonny," he heard her whisper.

It was all he needed; he got to his feet and walked round the counter before pulling her up from her seat. "You need someone who knows how scared you are; who will look after you and who will love you; you need someone who won't ever hurt you and who won't ever leave ya."

"I need you," she repeated gently resting her hands lightly on his chest. "Because you know all that – you know me better than I know myself at times … Jonny … please, I know you want this too; I know that you need me just as much as I need you."

"Jac …" he placed his left hand on her hip while his right was resting on her neck; his fingers laced in her hair and his thumb stroking her cheek.

"If you don't feel this way then why did you stay last night?" she questioned, "why did you try to beat the crap out of Joseph in Albie's?" He rested his forehead against hers and sighed heavily, "Why is this so hard for you?" Jac was dangerously close to tears.

"Everything that's happened between us," he started softly.

"What about it?"

"Can we just – y'know … try and forget it all?"

He felt her lips brush his and took that as a yes, "I can't forget what we've lost Jonny … but I can do the rest – if you promise to stay with me."

"Jac – we made it six months and look where we are … somehow I don't think I'm going _anywhere_."

"Good."


	20. Chapter 20

It came as no small amount of relief to their colleagues when they eventually found out that Jac and Jonny had finally figured things out between them. He sat at the nurses' station on Darwin musing over what had occurred that morning three weeks ago and of the events since. In truth, not much had happened since there had been an unspoken agreement between him and Jac to take things slowly, but that in itself was a major step for the pair. After everything that they'd gone through they both were acutely worried of things spiralling back into disaster – despite the countless reassurances from their friends and colleagues.

He was startled out of his daydream by Mo dropping into the chair beside him and clapping him on the back. "Jonny Mac … up for a pint or two later?"

He shrugged, "What's the occasion?"

"Nothing major – just a drink or two … I wanna complain about my sister to someone."

Turning to his friend he shook his head in amusement, "I aint up for one of ya wee girly chats Mo … find someone else to moan to – besides …"

"You've made plans with Jac," Mo finished with a sigh as he turned to the computer to give Elliot the illusion he was working. "Well bring her along – I'll text Sacha and a few others and we can make a night of it."

He shifted, "Well I kinda had hoped …" but Mo cut him off.

"What? I know you two are 'starting again' but it's not like you were planning to shag her for the first time tonight is it?"

He had no response to that and so told her to bugger off before getting to his feet and dodging into the back stairs before Zosia March could attempt to get him into bed. He'd yet to mention to Jac that bit, mainly because he feared for the F1's life – although he knew Jac didn't actually possess those characteristics despite some people thinking she did. Deciding to get a coffee he made his way down the stairs before any alarm bells dragged him back onto the ward.

By the time he'd got his coffee and handed over the money for it Mo had evidently already floated the idea of a group of them going to the pub later, because Sacha and Michael confirmed times and the venue of this 'gathering'. He pointed out that it wasn't his idea and that, why were they asking him when they should be asking Mo. Shaking his head, he ducked into the lift only to be followed by Sacha and Mr T. After realising that both of his lift companions were heading up to Darwin for whatever reason – he knew they were both wanting to see Mo – he escaped early and found he was treading his way to AAU.

Halfway along the corridor he encountered Jac escorting a patient and a small child to the vending machine. "Ah there's a fine looking one, what about him? He could make me a fine husband eh?" Jac glanced up at him before suggesting the woman either sit in the wheel chair or take a breather before she collapsed into a heap.

The child ran up to the machine and started pointing to which one he wanted, although he couldn't reach to put the money in. Setting his coffee down on the floor, Jonny lifted the little boy up so that he could reach the buttons and the money slot to get his chocolate. "Ah ya wee rascal – what they been feedin' ya? Bricks?"

He giggled and leapt onto his mother's lap – the woman was perched on one of the many chairs dotted along the corridor while Jac pointed out that things would be a lot easier for her if she used the wheel chair. "Sorry love, but you don't look strong enough to push me in it."

"I give up!" Jac said dramatically as Jonny joined them, "And don't you start!"

He held up his hands in mock surrender, "I aint done nothin'!" turning to the patient he smiled and introduced himself to her, "I'm Jonny – one of the nurses' up on Darwin Ward."

"A nurse? Could've fooled me – I thought you were a doctor!"

Jac started laughing.

"But I suppose I could live with a nurse … what do you say then Jonny?" it took him a moment to realise what she was saying.

"Look … um …" he turned to Jac for the name, which she supplied with an utterly straight face, and he continued hurriedly, "Nancy … I'm flattered but I have t' warn ya I'm already taken."

"You are?"

"I'm afraid so … and she's the jealous type too, aren't ya Jac?"

"Grow up Maconie."

Nancy the patient watched them attentively while her little boy quietly smothered his face in chocolate. "You two eh? Ah well … you look happy enough so I'll let ya be then."

"I'm sure the right man is just around the corner," Jac assured her just as Ric appeared around the corner.

"Jac … there you are. May I ask why Nancy is out of bed?"

"Because she wanted to go to the moon." Ric squared his jaw and Jonny sensed that it had been a quiet day for Jac's unit meaning that she'd spent her time annoying Ric instead.

"Don't tell her off doctor … she did tell me I wasn't allowed out of bed but Gordon wanted chocolate and …" Nancy stroked the boy's hair and Jonny wondered what the lad had done to deserve such a name.

"Well as nice as this little gathering is, I'm due my break and since you happen to be on your way back to AAU Ric …" Jac handed him the wheel chair with a rather sweet smile. He glared at her for a moment before sighing and persuading Nancy into the chair before proceeding down the corridor with her and the boy, throwing Jac a murderous look over his shoulder. She replied with a rather cheery wave and it was all Jonny could do to not snigger.

"He'll poison your tea one day," he warned her.

"Probably," she agreed.


End file.
